10+ Utterly Common Things People Learned At An Embarrassingly Late Age

Sometimes, you figure something out way too late in the game.

1. Piggies.

That the little piggy who went to market wasn’t going shopping for groceries. Last year it hit me. I’m 28.

2. Twist and Shout.

The Beatles’ song Twist and Shout goes “Shake it up baby now (Shake it up baby)” and not “We’re shakin’ a baby now (Shakin’ a baby)”.

3. Origin of metal.

It’s called “metal” music because it’s harder than rock.

4. Misheard statements.

It’s “For all intents and purposes,” Not “For all intensive purposes.” Learned at age 30.

5. Toilet treats.

I was 23 on a trip with my girlfriend in San Francisco. We were both getting ready for the day in the bathroom and I needed my hair gel, so I asked if she could hand me my toilet treat bag. She seemed confused, I again asked, “Can you please hand me my bag of toilet treats!?” She ran out of the bathroom laughing.

6. Rainbow fish.

I re-named a goldfish “rainbow” when I was 7 because it kept changing color every few months. I told friends about this fish for years like it was some mystical kaleidoscope fish. It hit me in the face a couple months ago that the fish wasn’t changing color…my parents were just replacing it when it died without telling me.

7. Mike Myers.

I didn’t realize that Mike Myers plays both Austin Powers and Dr Evil till the third Austin Powers movie came out. And Fat Bastard. And Goldmember.

8. Knocked up.

Until I was 17 I thought the term “getting knocked up” just meant having sex. As a guy, this was an awkward thing to constantly wish upon myself.. (“man, I wish Sarah would knock me up… like really good.”)

9. Helium.

I thought if you just blew into a balloon it would rise. I didn’t realize it was the helium that caused the balloon to float until I was 18 and receptioning at a salon and had an extremely embarrassing moment of blowing up the balloons, tying the strings to them, and asking a co-worker why they were just laying on the ground. She almost died laughing.

10. Didn’t know his name.

Just talked to a coworker the other day who didn’t know his name was Jason until 3rd grade. His initials were JT and his family called him by that and so he thought that was his name. During roll call in class the teacher was asking for a “Jason” and he just sat there thinking “some sucker is late for class”. Then the name JT was never called and confusion ensued.

11. How sex works.

I didn’t know that sex required motion until I was 18. I thought you just stuck it in and went to sleep, and that was sex.

12. Wolverines.

Somehow the conversation of superhero names came up with my girlfriend (29) the other day, and she mentioned Wolverine being named after wolves. I kinda looked at her and said “Wolverine was named after wolverines.” She stared back blankly. One google images search later and I had taught a biology major about a new animal.

13. Pre-Madonna.

I thought the term “prima donna” was “pre-Madonna.” I always wondered what happened before her that would demand a new term.

14. Be-having.

I have some friends in their 30s who think behaving means being haved. (That’s haved pronounced like shaved). They will ask their own kids “are you being have?” Like ‘have’ means good.

15. Dog in heat.

I thought “I feel like a dog in heat” meant that you felt uncomfortably warm, like a dog in hot weather would feel. I was in the back of my friend’s suburban on a road trip through Southern California when her parents asked if we wanted them to turn on the air conditioning. “Yes, please. I feel like a dog in heat!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

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