Excuse me? You don’t have the product that I’m looking for? The one that I didn’t call ahead to see if you had?
Well maybe if I JUST INCREASE THE VOLUME AND FURY OF MY DEMANDS, IT WILL MAGICALLY MAKE THE ITEM I WANT APPEAR.
STILL NO? WELL MAYBE IF I GET EVEN LOUDER AND ADD SOME FUCKING CURSE WORDS IT WILL ACT AS A SACRED INVOCATION TO SUMMON THE ITEM I DESIRE OUT OF THE AETHER.
OH YOU STILL DON’T HAVE IT?! WELL NOW NOT ONLY HAVE YOU LOST A CUSTOMER, BUT YOU’VE LOST A SIGNIFICANT PORTION OF YOUR HEARING AND YOU’RE COVERED IN MY SALIVA.
I’ll be back again tomorrow to see if it’s in stock.
2.The chatty cathy
Hi there! How are you doing? Oh that’s just wonderful. Yes, this pack of chewing gum is all I’m purchasing today, which could leave our encounter clocking in at a brisk forty-five seconds, but I am starved for conversation and by the look on your face I can tell you are intent on hearing more about my life.
Fortunately for you, this gum reminds me of the gum I used to buy as a child, but did you know that back then gum only cost A NICKEL. Now since you clearly have no concept of how the prices of consumer goods tend to rise as an economy grows, I’m going to go ahead and list off ten more things that used to be SO MUCH cheaper. Isn’t that crazy?
You know who else was crazy? My husband! He’s dead now, of course, but that won’t stop me from telling you stories about him until the shuttle from the assisted living home comes to pick me up.
Just this bag of chips for me, thanks. Yeah and if you could go ahead and put that 75 cent purchase on my credit card that would be great. Oh you know, now that you’ve already run my card and completed my transaction I JUST remembered that I wanted a soda too! Haha, silly me! If you could just run that card again, thanks.
Wow, this is so embarrassing, but I actually had a whole shopping list here that I meant to buy, so if you don’t mind I’m going to grab each item, one at a time, and bring them up here for you to charge.
You know, on second thought, I don’t really want this bag of chips. Just credit that 75 cents back to my card. No, I don’t want it in cash, I want you to credit it. Yes, I am incredibly inconsiderate of everyone’s time, including my own.
4.The decision maker
This is it: the biggest moment of my life. I hold in my hands TWO candy bars. In my left, the superbly satisfying Snickers bar. In my right, the crunchy cookie and creamy chocolate of a Twix. How can any one person bear the pressure of this choice? Kingdoms have surely risen and fallen for less.
What’s that? How do you expect me to focus on the cavalcade of customers gathering behind me while the very fate of my stomach hangs in the balance?! Sir, this decision will determine how sated I am for the next 20 minutes AT LEAST.
Wait, you guys have Sour Patch Kids too? Hold on, I need to make a Venn Diagram.
Alright, I’ve gathered all 37 of my purchases here on the counter and you’ve totalled it all up for me, so now I just need to take out my wallet and… wait, where’s my wallet? I know I had it right here in my back pocket just a minute ago. Let me spend the next 5 minutes giving myself a frantic patdown like an overeager TSA agent searching for contraband. Wow, this NEVER happens to me, I KNOW it’s here somewhere. Maybe in my shoe? Stored in my cheek pocket like a squirrel?
I must have left it in my car. I’ll just leave all these items sitting right here to completely stall the progress of your line while I go check.
Nope, it wasn’t there. This is so crazy, I ju- oh wait, here it is! In my back pocket! Haha, man, life sure is funny sometimes. Okay now is it cool if I pay entirely in change? Let me just find my coins in here.
6.The best bud
Hey there champ, how’s it hangin? Little higher than the left one? Heh heh, just a little joke for ya, bud. I know this is the first time we’ve ever met, tiger, but I’m gonna keep callin’ you by strange pet names while nudging and winking so frequently that you’re concerned I’m havin’ a stroke. All the while I’ll be tossin’ out dated political rhetoric and references to sporting events that you don’t follow. Sound good, pal?
Now, since we’re such bosom buddies and all, you don’t mind if I pay with a check, right slugger?
Wow, $1.25 for ONE candy bar? Are you kidding me? I think you can do a little better than that, because clearly you, the cashier, are the one who controls the pricing at this establishment.
I’ll buy it for a dollar, and no more.
Okay fine, I’ll buy 3 candy bars for $3.20.
Alright, okay, 5 candy bars for $5.10 and I’ll give you one of my shoes. That’s my final offer.
Sir, it almost seems as though you aren’t desperate enough to sell this candy bar that you’re willing to risk your job for it. I don’t respect that kind of attitude. 10 candy bars for 9 dollars and whatever pocket lint I have.
No? Well now I’ve already eaten half of this candy bar, decreasing it’s value! 75 cents for the remainder of the candy.
Still $1.25?! Well now I’ve knocked all of your candy to the floor! No one wants to eat floor candy, thus decreasing its val- wait why are you calling security?
Empowered by a righteous anger, I have returned to avenge a perceived slight on my person! Yes that’s right, I am unsatisfied with a purchase that I made yesterday, and am convinced that this dissatisfaction was manufactured on purpose, by you, solely to inconvenience me!
A refund? A REFUND?! It sickens me to my core that you could feasibly think a refund will undo the emotional damage I have suffered these past hours. The heights of elation generated by a successful purchase, STOLEN from me by faulty workmanship. Heed this, lowly register peasant: I have spent this previous evening wracked by tremors of rage, only now barely contained beneath a calm facade. I have seethed with…
…Oh, you’ll throw in a gift card? Yeah, it’s fine then. No biggie.