We were all very stupid adults.
#1 Class in dry humping.
I dry humped the sofa while my parents watched in silent horror.
I thought I was the first person to discover that rubbing my penis on things felt good. Many pieces of furniture fell victim to my testing. I discovered that the sofa was the best and I had to show my parents. I couldn’t keep this to myself! I told them to come to the living room. I had something amazing to show them. I didn’t just sexual assault their couch. I was teaching a class on it. Offering to let my dad have a go. They just stood there. It haunts me to this day. I have never asked them about it. They must have thought they were raising a sexual predator.
#2 The wolf game.
I called it “the wolf game.” I’d stand halfway between my house and the woods and howl, and see how many wolves I could get to show up.
My record was three before common sense kicked in… I should not have survived to adulthood lol.
#3 Miller Lite.
I put a canned Miller Lite in my Pikachu lunch box in the 2nd grade because I wanted to be the cool kid at the lunch table and impress my friends.
Unfortunately, my mom saw how shady I was acting protecting my lunchbox and ended up opening it. She was livid.
Til this day, she still brings it up. It’s basically the go-to story when I bring someone new to the house.
#4 Aunt Christie.
I broke my parents up.
I asked my Mum if I could have dinner at my “Aunt Christie”‘s house again because she cooked my favourite pasta. Turns out Mum didn’t know who “Aunt Christie” was – which is because she wasn’t really my aunt, she was the co-worker my Dad was sleeping with.
#5 Open mouth chewer.
When I was little I overheard my mom saying how my aunt chewed with her mouth open. Sometime later my aunt is in the car with my mom, myself and my sister, and I proudly yell out how my mom says she chews with her mouth open. It was terribly awkward and I’m glad I can only remember fragments of it.
Another time I came home from school crying and in front of my mother and grandmother told my mom how at school everyone else has a great-grandmother but I have a mean one. Didn’t understand the concept and we laugh about it constantly now.
#6 Coke vial.
Took my parents coke vial to show and tell at school. Once I found out it was a bad thing… I told my teacher, who kept questioning me where I got it… that I found it in the sand under the swings at a nearby park.
My grandparents used to have a time share condo in Florida, basically an old person’s community. My mom took me there when I was maybe 5-6, I would sit on the balcony and just shout, “hey you’re really old” at all the people that walked by. I’ve never been to Florida since.
#8 Birthday party.
I was at a birthday party, age 7, and there was this orange air freshener that smelled sooo so good, so I sprayed it all over myself, and then I smelled really good, so all the kids started spraying it on themselves. Not 20 minutes later, all of us are crying and screaming because our skin is burning and turning red. There was something very irritating in the air freshener.
At the customer service counter at the grocery store… I remember crawling under it and finding the discarded gums stuck underneath the counter and sticking some in my mouth. Oh dear god I shudder.
I tripped a waitress carrying dishes by leaving a crayon on the ground, but my dad may have been lying to teach me a lesson about not leaving crayons on the ground in a restaurant.
#11 Corn cob pipe.
When we were both 8, I gave my cousin a corn cob pipe I found in a drawer in the garage, and he put lawn clippings in it and smoked it, and had to be rushed to the hospital. Apparently my aunt and uncle had just chemically treated the lawn and he smoked a whole bunch of nasty pesticides and herbicides.
#12 Lung full of asbestos.
Jumped into soft, pink fiberglass insulation.